What to do?

As my time to return to work comes near, I am undecided about what to do about breastfeeding - I'd like to keep it up, but the reality of pumping during the day, and nursing in the mornings and evenings is not quite as bucolic as it was with Norah. As with everything this time around, having a toddler in addition to an infant adds a new degree of complexity. I'm also not really sure what to expect when I go back to work - there have been a lot of changes since I was last there.


Adding to the more obvious issues, is the fact that I don't seem to be producing milk like I should, even while still nursing almost 100%. With Norah, after a few month of pumping, I had to eat like crazy in order to make enough milk - like more than I wanted to eat - and drink water constantly - but it was much later. This time, I am drinking water like it's going out of style and eating a sensible amount (more than I would normally, but not as much as at the end with Norah) and it seems like Roddie is often still hungry when we're done - he will still go up to about 3 hours between feedings, but not always, and it's getting hard all day and all night long. I don't think this alone would sway me, but since I am on the fence, I'm not sure that I want to work at it as hard as I did the last time around either.

So it seems obvious right? Time to wean! But it's not really that obvious - for starters, he's decided that he's no longer interested in taking a bottle - not breast milk, not formula, nothing. That's been a little stressful for both Matt and I - Matt, since he's the one fighting with him to take it, and me, because I can't count on a break, ever! Matt put it in perspective the other day - Roddie is a little more than 100 days old, and at roughly 8 feedings per day, that means I've fed him about 800 times since he arrived! He's had a few bottles here and there, sure, but not many. At an average of 30 minutes each, that's about 400 hours - 10 work-weeks worth!

The second and maybe bigger reason it's hard to make this decision is plain old motherly guilt. I fed Norah for over 200 days, shouldn't I do at least the same for Rod? Ideally, I would, but I also have to look at what's best overall for our family. Formula is a perfectly reasonable alternative, and it frees me up to do all of my other motherly duties. I feel good that we've reached the 4 month mark, and it looks like we're going to be closer to 5 by the time it's all said and done. They say that any breastfeeding is better than none...

Roddie, I'm sorry we didn't make it longer, but know that I had to do what was best in the big picture! We were going to be done in a few months regardless, and this way you get a happier, better rested Mommy as well as (hopefully soon!) some nice early morning snuggles with Dad! So please, please, take the bottle for Dad tonight - he's getting a little frazzled when you fight him all the time!